When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
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What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
“You drive, I’m tired.”
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
wait.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣