@YourMomsucksTho

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

- @YourMomsucksTho

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@XLToast

Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?

Stranger: He’s over there!

Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]

@KaylaAncrum

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

@sammyrhodes

Do they make a scale that says things like “Those shorts probably weigh, what, like 15 pounds?”

@murderbytweets

In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you’re trying to explain directions to an old man.

@QwertyJones3

*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”

@pilau

me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…

judge: no it’s armed robbery

me: *clenches fist* about money

@PyrBliss

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

@GregHenchman

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

@ceejoyner

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

@cluedont

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.