If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
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Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
marvel comics have peaked
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.