If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
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Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right