a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
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Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
i can’t wait that long
When you don’t understand how floors work
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.