@SteveDutzy

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

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@jonnysun

“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.

@fro_vo

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

@ArfMeasures

Vet: We have to put his dog down

Assistant: You tell him

Vet: No, you

Assistant: You!

Vet: YOU!

John Wick: What are you two whispering about?

@anniealone23

Sometimes I walk around my apartment naked with the windows open. Just in case my neighbors need a good cry.

@iAmJuddy

|T|h|i|n|k| |I| |f|o|u|n|d| |s|o|m|e|t|h|i|n|g| |m|o|r|e| |a|n|n|o|y|i|n|g| |t|h|a|n| |h|a|s|h|t|a|g|s|

@imdaintyaf

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

@ChaseMit

“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones