If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
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Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Can Happiness buy money?
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Super Hand Dog Face
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.