If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
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i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Safety first
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”