If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
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stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
It do be feeling this way.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.