I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
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My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
[making small talk at a party]
me: your hair and nails don’t really grow after death, it’s just your skin receding
woman: please just make the balloon animals
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.