Leading causes of cancer:
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
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trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
IN THIS ECONOMY?!?
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.