@Tinkerbell_

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

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@daemonic3

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

@iwearaonesie

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

@jwomackou

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron

@1BigMick

If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.

@KeetPotato

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

@AndyAsAdjective

KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…

@Norsebysw

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

@blacksab67

Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.

@maryfairybobrry

My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.