If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
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At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Hitlers gonna hitl
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.