If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
You Might Also Like
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
me working on my assignments ^-^
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house