If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
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Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.