@chrisdowning

If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.

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@JoParkerBear

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

@michaelianblack

Probably not a coincidence that Taylor Swift just spent $17M on a mansion only two states away from me.

@brichie13

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

@LouisPeitzman

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

@ArfMeasures

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

@JillianKarger

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

@rablivingstone

In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them

@MythicPicnic

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.