If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
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There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Spider-cat: No One Home
bad news gang
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
This meal prepping shit easy
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.