If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
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Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids