If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
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[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
when someone compliments me
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits