If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
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Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Doctors texting each other.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played