If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
You Might Also Like
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Happy Febuary everyone!
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.