@caithuls

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

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@Wakenbake77

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

@thedadvocate01

Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!

@Parkerlawyer

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

@wickedsuga

Proud of myself. I only ate 1 brownie today.

I mean, it was cut up into 8 very large pieces and took up the whole pan but yeah, 1 brownie.

@DurtMcHurtt

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

@someonesmomma

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

@InternetHippo

Feeling good about the economy, and my life in particular, because of the stock market. I don’t have money in the stock market, I just like to see the numbers get big

@Sickayduh

[First date]
Her: I’m really glad you asked me out yesterday in the park
Me: *looking under table* you didn’t bring your dog?

@Andee_Stewart

The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant

@hannacantrell

employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?