If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
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me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.