Goes into the office…
Office: Get out!
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
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Her: 911, what’s your emerge-
Me: SOMEONE’S WEARING CROCS!
Her: Sir, that’s not an em-
Me: WITH A FANNY PACK!
Her: I’ll send an officer.
If you get baby fever, do you have to take baby aspirin?
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I’d only marry someone if they seemed like they’d be pretty easygoing during our divorce.
Let he who is without selfie cast the first stone
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.