If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
You Might Also Like
A sick whale is called an unwhale
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.