If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

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the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free


[invention of burgers]

visionary: what if we grated a cow?

assistant: and molded it into wheels? sir that’s genius


Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato


the crows and the ducks are having a turf war in my backyard it’s like the squawkiest version of west side story ever


You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.


Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.


I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.