@AndrewNadeau0

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

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@rachelle_mandik

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

@arcadeseals

[invention of burgers]

visionary: what if we grated a cow?

assistant: and molded it into wheels? sir that’s genius

@daemonic3

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato

@yonewt

the crows and the ducks are having a turf war in my backyard it’s like the squawkiest version of west side story ever

@stockejock

You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.

@HomeProbably

Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.

@samalmightysam

I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.