If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
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me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
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Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space