God: make alcohol really fun
Angel: haha ok
God: but it makes them stupid
Angel: i dont know if-
God: and if they have too much they die
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
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Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I didn’t realise you spelled your name with a “ph”, Steve. My apologies, Pheven.
My four year old sent me his first ever text from my wife’s phone and it’s such a great thing that he starts school on Monday
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Priest: The power of Christ compels you! I cast you out! Unclean spirit!
Me: Wait, stop! Some of these are load-bearing demons.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
“Hey, let’s make the inside of this building & every square inch of everyone & everything smell like THIS.”
-inventor of incense