if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
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[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.