mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
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If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
“We will wed,” I threatened
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.