if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
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My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Me: did you find the problem?
Plumber: toilet goblin.
Me: a what?
Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes