@bourgeoisalien

if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off

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@Kyle_Lippert

Fun prank: Find a sleeping spider, crawl in its mouth and lay your eggs. Turn the tables. Give nature the finger. Live it up.

@Vodkantots

Well well well. If it isn’t old Saint Nick trying to slide down this chimney after ignoring my texts for a year.

@BromanConsul

“You knew what you were getting into, Charlene”
“Jim your addiction to long walks on the beach is destroying our marriage”
“YOU READ MY BIO”

@AbbyHasIssues

Meghan Markle is 36 and engaged to a prince.

I’m 36 and just found an almond in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

@lazerdoov

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

@TheTimeIGotHigh

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

@MattMcC1

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.