if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off

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Fun prank: Find a sleeping spider, crawl in its mouth and lay your eggs. Turn the tables. Give nature the finger. Live it up.


Well well well. If it isn’t old Saint Nick trying to slide down this chimney after ignoring my texts for a year.


“You knew what you were getting into, Charlene”
“Jim your addiction to long walks on the beach is destroying our marriage”


Meghan Markle is 36 and engaged to a prince.

I’m 36 and just found an almond in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.


*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt


“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”


2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.