If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
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STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option