If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
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Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
knights of the ikea table
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets