I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
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decorating ur first apartment sounds fun until u realize u have to pay for everything.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
4yo: fold me like a towel
4yo: FOLD ME
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Wife just said “burgs” instead of “burgers” and now I’m a little scared to think of what she’s going to do with all the time she saved.