If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

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I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.


decorating ur first apartment sounds fun until u realize u have to pay for everything.


I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.


Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.


I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.


4yo: fold me like a towel

Me: what?

4yo: FOLD ME

Me: okaaay

4yo: stack me on top of the towels

Me: what?


Parenthood is wild


Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!


Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.


[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]

HER: No way this thing does 150.

ME: Only one way to find out…

[pulls over & checks wikipedia]


Wife just said “burgs” instead of “burgers” and now I’m a little scared to think of what she’s going to do with all the time she saved.