“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
If someone calls me a sir one more time I will literally wear a top hat and a monocle and roll my eyes so hard you will not survive.
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By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
*tries to lift dumbbell
Trainer: COME ON! IT’S NOT THAT HEAVY!
Me: I know, it’s just this KFC grease making it slip
I’ve been sucking on this Jolly Rancher for an hour. He was just a rancher when I started.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I’d probably pick living.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?