Am getting real tired of your crap…
You Might Also Like
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.