If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
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Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
peeping toms
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again