If someone calls you fat, eat them.

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Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.


GOD: Go forth, my tiny friends!

ANTS: Hooray!

ANGEL: Ok next creation … The anteater.

ANTS: The what now?


temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now

a dragon: i see


My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.


*runs into coworker at store*
*pretends I don’t speak English*


elon musk is what happens when the ghost of a 14 y/o who died in 2011 and the ghost of a 19th century oil baron try to possess the same body


Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.


We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”