If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
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Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already