@kramediggles

If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”

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@skullcat

You’re so empty inside….nnn….stupid fridge.

@reesespiece_

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

@realHamOnWry

According to the most current magazine in this doctor’s office, every home in America will have a television by 1962.

@Try2StopME

99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire

@DivorceDad

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

@Sleinso

I am at my most drunk when I go from chat room to chat room yelling WHO STOLE MY POPTART!!

@thomas_violence

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird

@jonnysun

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here