If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
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I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite