You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
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Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Q: Name your favorite foreign leader.
GARY JOHNSON: Nice trick question, Chris- they all already HAVE names!
Me: Alexa have you seen the rest of my acid?
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
My blood type is b hungry.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Tell me more about these male enhancement pills…
Will they help me chop wood better? How about pelts?
Will I know how to make pelts?