If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

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You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!


Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.


Q: Name your favorite foreign leader.

GARY JOHNSON: Nice trick question, Chris- they all already HAVE names!


I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…


Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe


I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice


[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen


Tell me more about these male enhancement pills…
Will they help me chop wood better? How about pelts?
Will I know how to make pelts?