@jellybnbonanza
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
@El_nacho_Nigre
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
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@jellybnbonanza
@iRowlf
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
@mrbenwexler
Q: Name your favorite foreign leader.
GARY JOHNSON: Nice trick question, Chris- they all already HAVE names!
@sonictyrant
Me: Alexa have you seen the rest of my acid?
Lava lamp:
@JennyJohnsonHi5
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
@WeedlordKrillin
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
@EmissaryKerry
My blood type is b hungry.
@TheDeducers
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
@dafloydsta
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
@thenatewolf
Tell me more about these male enhancement pills…
Will they help me chop wood better? How about pelts?
Will I know how to make pelts?