If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
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Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
BaD BoY!!
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies