If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

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Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.


Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.


From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.


Someone stole my pencil sharpener and now I can’t stab people anymore.


Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.


Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?


wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep


[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.



*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*


her: *texts something funny*

me: *types hahahahaha*

*stares at it*

*deletes one ha*