[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
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Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.