Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
If someone eggs your house, you can save time cleaning up by just baking your house into a cake.
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My roadside emergency kit is a black wig, a disco ball and a bottle of vodka. Might as well have fun while I wait to be murdered.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property