If someone eggs your house, you can save time cleaning up by just baking your house into a cake.

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Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”


My roadside emergency kit is a black wig, a disco ball and a bottle of vodka. Might as well have fun while I wait to be murdered.


The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now


“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw


there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them


It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.


I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl


Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.


wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?


DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property