@the_tsai_guy: If someone eggs your house, you can save time cleaning up by just baking your house into a cake.
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@sweatyhairy: why did marilyn monroe sing happy birthday like that. she should have sang it normal
@daemonic3: [in bed] HER: I want you to do something naughty ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she's seen it*
@squirrel74wkgn: Me: *making a snow angel* Bartender: ...ok, he's cut off. Get him off the dance floor
@TheMichaelRock: No thanks, World Cup. If I wanted to watch dudes run around for 3 hours and leave with a tie, I'd just go to Sears.