These people act like they’ve never seen anyone collect change from the bottom of a fountain & stuff it in their bra to buy more liquor.
If someone eggs your house, you can save time cleaning up by just baking your house into a cake.
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The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
1. Hide babies all over house.
2. If a kid asks, “Where do babies come from?” laugh, “Where DON’T they come from!” and open every cabinet.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!