@the_tsai_guy: If someone eggs your house, you can save time cleaning up by just baking your house into a cake.
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@hippieswordfish: joe: siri address me as poopyhead siri: okay poopyhead *obama enters* barack: joe have you seen my phone? joe: yep here *runs away giggling*
@Not_James_Vogel: I'm a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
@AnitaHelmet: If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they'd shower more and fart less.