If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

You Might Also Like


Spank me once, shame on you.

Spank me twice, now we’re getting somewhere.


if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”


GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.


I’m currently in a meeting of 40 people to tell us we can’t have a meeting of more than 20 people.


Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment


Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..


The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.


My wife once told me ” Mike you’re the only man who ever gave me multiple orgasms”, which pissed me off because my names not Mike


[inside washing machine]

duvet cover: climb in my brothers

every single piece of clothing: we shall build a new life in the big sock