If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
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Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Still my favourite meme.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things