Spank me once, shame on you.
Spank me twice, now we’re getting somewhere.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
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if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I’m currently in a meeting of 40 people to tell us we can’t have a meeting of more than 20 people.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
My wife once told me ” Mike you’re the only man who ever gave me multiple orgasms”, which pissed me off because my names not Mike
[inside washing machine]
duvet cover: climb in my brothers
every single piece of clothing: we shall build a new life in the big sock