@Midgetspar

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

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@me_all_over

Spank me once, shame on you.

Spank me twice, now we’re getting somewhere.

@neonwario

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

@KalvinMacleod

GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.

@dangerouslyjoe9

I’m currently in a meeting of 40 people to tell us we can’t have a meeting of more than 20 people.

@donni

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

@stpeteyontweety

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

@Mr57percent

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

@Xalqee

My wife once told me ” Mike you’re the only man who ever gave me multiple orgasms”, which pissed me off because my names not Mike

@jazzemu_

[inside washing machine]

duvet cover: climb in my brothers

every single piece of clothing: we shall build a new life in the big sock