[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
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Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
the Monday after daylight savings
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Thinking about Jeff
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!