@lovejulieacafe

If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.

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@KKAlThani

“How do we hide Superman’s identity?” They asked.

A man kicked in the door & yelled “With glasses!” & everyone started clapping for him.

@OmarNajam

Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!

@skickwriter

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

@david8hughes

“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”

@ClassADude

Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?

Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.

Wife: You want to run a business?

Me: Business?

@daemonic3

me: [being mauled to death by a werewolf] lol he probably smells my dog

@MavenofHonor

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree

@HereComesCunty

1990’s: *gets knocked down* *gets up again*

2020’s: *gets knocked down* *gets up* *washes hands* *burns clothes* *initiates contact tracing*

@bridger_w

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

@frankzulla

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner