If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
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I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.