if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.