If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
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when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird