@ColoradoUgly

If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.

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@whatbabytalk

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

@ilovepie84

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

@AmericanGent69

Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

@karanbirtinna

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

@nealbrennan

The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.

@iwearaonesie

me: How long are you going to keep throwing that in my face?!
Netflix: Because you watched “The Wedding Planner”

@Mom_Overboard

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

@andylassner

The Samsung Galaxy is a cool phone if you don’t mind carrying around a 42″ screen.