*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
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My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
True.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me