If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
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Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.