If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
You Might Also Like
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.