wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
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Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
the battle rages on
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!