If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
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instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
❤️🦆
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning