If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
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I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club