If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
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Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken