Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
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this is the news I live for
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Flowers bee like
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Never let them know your next move 😂
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.