If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
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my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Don’t tell me what to do
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire