if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
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Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.